The King is Born (Part One)

Warning: I am talking about babies and birth here so you may want to skip this post if your sensibilities may be breached.

Our King of the Jungle is my second born child. He is the most recently born child, as a matter of fact. There will be more. I think. We think. We hope. I wanted to write this for him and for me. So much happened after THE Princess was born and I didn’t write it down. I am working on it, but while things are still (kind of) fresh in my mind, I wanted to capture it so that he can read it when he is expecting his own children and know how his mom loved him. It sounds trite but it is nothing but the truth. So, here goes….

KOTJ was ready. Well, I was ready for him or her. I hadn’t found out his gender and was afraid to predict. (I was just so totally wrong with THE Princess.) I vacillated between boy and girl. I was excited to think of another girl like THE Princess. I knew what to do with a girl after all. I had a girl, I am a girl. I had that covered. I was nervous when I thought about having a boy. The little boys I saw were all so ACTIVE. Jumping. Running. Hitting. I was a bit panicked to think about a boy. I knew in my mind what everyone told me would be true. I would love this baby. But still, I worried.

I had a lot of anticipation for KOTJ. I read and re-read the Bradley Method books. I made RM read and re-read them. I did my labor exercises. Kegels. Dips. Stretches. I practiced relaxing and visualizing. RM practiced with me. I wanted this birth to be a better experience for me than the last one.

I had been having pretty strong Braxton-Hicks (false labor) contractions since about week 30. Every evening at 10 minute intervals starting at around 8 pm and ending around 11 pm. I got used to them. I started ignoring them, and learned to adjust my ever-growing girth to make myself more comfortable. RM and I started practicing relaxation during these BH. Good practice, we thought. They were no big thing, just annoying as all get out, and by week 37 I was over it. You know, I wanted to be all crazy and wild and do some SLEEPING.

I digress.

My week 38 appointment was not with my regular doctor, Doctor Eva. It was with another OB in the practice, Doctor Angel, who had delivered THE Princess! I was happy to see him and he and THE Princess chatted about doctor things.

THE Princess: “My mommy needs 69 shots. She has a baby in her tummy.”

Doctor Angel: “Yes, that sounds about right. Let’s see about arranging those 69 shots.”

THE Princess: “Mommy, this will only pinch a little. Don’t worry.” (This from the girl who begins to screech like a howler monkey if she even suspects she may have to get a shot in the next 15 years.)

Doctor Angel: “Let’s squirt some goo on mommy’s tummy. Why don’t you do it, Princess?”

THE Princess: “Don’t worry, mommy, it’s NOT a shot. Doctor Angel, she still needs 29 shots.”

It went on like this while she was hosing me down with goo from my ears to my knees. He asked me if I wanted my cervix checked. I said I did. I was READY. I was 2-3 centimeters and 60 effaced, the baby was low and head down. He asked if I wanted my membranes stripped. I immediately answered, “Sure, since you’re already down there.” Can I just say that it didn’t feel good? I was definitely uncomfortable. He saw a small tinge of blood and assured me that stripping the membrane helps induce labor in more than 80% of women. [I kept thinking, 80% is the majority of women, that is most certainly ME. Have I mentioned that I am a dumb-a*s, too?]

I went home excited. I was ready. THE Princess was 11 days early. The next 48 hours put me in the window to be 12-10 days early. I liked that. Contractions started rather strongly that evening at 8 pm, like clockwork. They kept coming every 7 – 10 minutes for the next 19 DAYS.

So much for stripping the membranes.

Everywhere I lumbered, people asked me every single annoying pregnancy question every uttered.

You are just glowing and blossoming. Thank you, it's sweat and fat, I'm not pregnant.

How much longer? 3 minutes 28 seconds, are you available to help?

Are you sure it isn’t twins? Are you sure you are standing an arm’s length away from me because I am about to cause you serious bodily harm?

What are you having? I am the surrogate for the Black Stallion and his elephant lover, we are just waiting to see what comes out. I am betting on a horsephant.

I think the lack of sleep was getting to me. Every night RM and THE Princess lay snoring beside me. Every night, no matter where I lay (bed, couch, recliner) and with how many or few pillows, I slept in only 10 minute increments. Those contractions were becoming stronger and more annoying and sometimes painful. I did my relaxation and my cleansing breathing. That left me light headed.

My 40 week appointment with Doctor Eva came. She told me to be patient. She promised me that our baby would emerge. I wanted to smack her but I held back. No kidding. She checked me and I was 2 cm dilated and only 20 percent effaced. She felt like the baby was very high. WHAT?!?!?! How is it that my child can defy gravity??? My baby floated up? She tried to console me by telling me that the simple act of checking my cervix could bring labor on.

I walked about 4 miles that night before bed. My contractions became stronger and came about every 5 minutes for 4 hours. I was sure it was it. Second babies come much faster, I had been told. We headed to the baby hospital to be triaged. They checked me. The baby was still floating. I was fairly delirious with sleep deprivation while we waited to get our paperwork and be sent home without a baby.

RM tried to make small talk. He asked me if I had sent off some papers that had arrived in the mail the day before. I told him, calmly, that I hadn’t had time to go have some copies made. He began to tell me how our fax machine would copy them and why didn’t I do that and send them? I didn’t have to go anywhere to do that. Did I have stamps? He hoped I did because I would need them after the baby was born. Had I thought of that? Had I? That would be a good thing for me to have prepared ahead for.

I began to see vibrant colors. It was a kaleidoscope of anger. The light was bending, I was loosing control. I screamed, “Get the h*ll away from me!!! Can’t you see I am a little busy trying to get a baby to venture into this world? I am a little preoccupied. Are you seriously talking to me right now because you can go somewhere with your papers, and your stamps and just shove them….” The nurse came running in and grabbed RM and drug him into the hallway as I yelled, “If I could get out of this bed without help, YOU would be the one in need of a hospital!”

I think that the nurse explained the finer points of a woman who is large with child. A woman who has not slept at all. A woman who is not in control of her body, hormones, emotions, and is being internally assaulted by a creature that feels like the offspring of Chuck Norris. RM came back in, quietly squishing himself against the furthest wall with a handful of discharge papers. Smiled meekly and offered to take home for some sauerkraut and ketchup.

The nurse gave me a pill to take that would “calm me down and help me rest.” Doctor Eva prescribed it over the phone when she heard me screaming. Mental Note: Screaming while the nurse is on the phone with the doctor can be beneficial and not in the "it's beneficial to spend some time in the psych ward kind of way." That pill was great, it was the last night of sleep I would see for a long time.

To be continued….